Personal Diary #1 

Do....I?

Lately the dawn has been cracking ice under the stinging teeth of roller blades, everything around me looks breakable enough if i can grind my teeth with just the right amount of rage. Anger is the smartest emotion in the world, it fools you into submission, It folds you until you cant run from its religion.

Personally, i want to be angry.

Everyone says anger does us no good. Neither does sadness. but sometimes you walk on water because its wiped clean every footprint you belived was following you. everything ahead is a marshy green grave of trees and scary fish. its melt into inky greys until theres nothing else.

You wanted what...exactly? 

daydreams. Love is  adaydream, especially when it comes to other people.

Thats why most of us demand a soulmate, we think finally we'd be able to pour the stars of us into someone else, and they wouldnt smother their light. Thats what we want at the end of it. someone who walks on water with you.

I have been so ununderstandably angry. i know i am sensitive, but the things that have gone down with the relatives in the last few months have left me afisb on pebbles. i could not breathe. its like i inhales stones and they started to slowly rise up within me, threatening to break through the flesh on my existence. all my stars a careless step in a puddle, everything diminished and eventually dissolved.

Where does one go in this world, i keep asking myself.those of us who are more concrete more alone, those of us chosen to be on the path of absolute solitude. 

Sometimes i even struggle to believe that saturn and my gods are watching over me. 

How can anyone watch over me really when i am not watching over myself. 

Sometimes the realisation that other people have soulmates isnt as reassuring an idea as it sounds Sometimes you find out even the worst ppl in the world have soulmates.

That. fucks you up.

hard.

And you start to question how many parts of you are destined to freeze to icy stone, how many little daydreams are required out of you to burn to ground, while still halfway in the sky. A rock falling towards the gravity of you, just as close as it is out of reach. 

That fucks you up.

And so against the raging tides of my anger and frustration and  chronic lack of human intellectual stimulation, i try to light a lantern on my little boat. if i were lost at sea, how many days would it take for me to finally accept the destined trajectory of my life?

would i finally stop seeking human connection? Would i finally trick my body into feeling physically satisifed? 

i hate that sometimes i feel so angry that i want to truly, genuinely punch someone so hard, the floor of their emotions crack and giveway to nothing but absolute devastation.

it saddens me that i am so deeply affected by the words and actions of my relatives. the misogyny, the nagging, the absolute worst behaviour. i have worked out why it affects me so, but i dont understand the rage.

i have been nothing nut terrified of it.

the rage terrifies me. the moon that causes those deadly waves has been peaking bloody red and angry over the horizon of my thoughts. every fibre of my existence feels the rage of this storm,

so long ive tried to manhandle it. tackle it, smother it, kick it hoping to get it to calm the fuck down.

for the first time today as i write this, i want to give it the space to speak what it wants to. This rage replaced within me the intense, uncontrollable urge to hold you, to find you. 

But i know i can find my way through the thick absences of you, through a very rational anger and thunderstorms, and i will be home within myself, i always am.